Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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