I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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