when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
