PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
A+ Viking dick
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
