The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
