you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
