I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
