when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
