Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
