I'm gonna have a badass scar
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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