and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
