Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
