I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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