so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
