did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
