what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
