I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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