I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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