My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
North Korea, Best Korea!
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
