In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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