Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
