Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
