Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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