I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
