At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
