I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
