can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
