You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
