All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
