Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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