I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
