yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
