I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
