First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
