The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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