i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
