I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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