Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
