I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
