I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He passed out mid-signature
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
