just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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