Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize