I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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