U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
