If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
