oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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