Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
