laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
