I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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