a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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