Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
