Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
