His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
