In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
