Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
