i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
