i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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