I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
