Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
