So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
